Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
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Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Happy Febuary everyone!
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern