Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
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[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: