Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Living the best life.. 😊
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.