Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*