ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
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air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I hate my earbuds.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.