Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.