Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
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sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
This pepper has seen some shit
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.