Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
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Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.