*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
You Might Also Like
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
guilty
I…do not understand how electricity works.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.