Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
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If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My time has come.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that