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Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶