ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
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For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle