@sexncake: I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

@shopkins776: *puts on headphones *cranks "Eye of the Tiger" *downs energy drink *laces up Nikes *runs out into 13° weather *runs back inside *Naps

@rockymomax: Cop: You doin drugs? "No" Cop: Whatya smokin? "Pot" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS "Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs"

@BobTheSuit: Me: So, what do you do for a living? Her: I flip houses. Me: You must have incredible lower back strength. Her: You're an idiot.

@johngcaldwell4: Me: *cleans kitchen and does laundry Wife: looks like someone is getting lucky Me: 1 hour of uninterrupted Call of Duty? W: Yes Me: WOOHOO!