[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
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According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.