murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
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Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids