“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
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Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.