Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
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caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
The old gods are rising again.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to