people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
You Might Also Like
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
why would tinder want me to say this
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
*looks at you in batman voice*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops