It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
How do you like your Corgi?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks