me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
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Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes