Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
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Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
My sex drive has a dui
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her