People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
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PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Flock of bats
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP