Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers