Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
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Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times