Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
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There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
This is hilarious….
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
it be like that
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.