Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
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Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked