ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
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Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry