ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
You Might Also Like
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
This meeting could have been a cake
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.