Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
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Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
oh good, now I can stop drinking
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.