Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
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North and South
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.