[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
wtf is an acronym
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts