Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
hi why am I like this
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
🙁
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then