I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates