me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
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I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”