It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
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My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..