ME (calling my horse with no name):
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At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
kids play hide and seek like
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.