ME (calling my horse with no name):
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I put the p in pants.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”