Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
You Might Also Like
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!