me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice