me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
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before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I’m not lazy
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.