Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
The Birdles
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.