Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
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When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute