ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
You Might Also Like
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”