Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*