They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
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Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”