World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
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Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!