Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.