Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
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Stonehinge
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.