Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
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*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
OH. COME. ON.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
some things should go without saying
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.