ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
Support your local cemetery
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?